In Pursuit of Other Dreams

As I have previously mentioned, I have done a lot of "waiting for my life to start." I thought that by pursuing other dreams I would realize that my heart really is still beating and that I do have the control to make some of my other dreams come true. This is Precious. She is a morgan/draft mix and she is teaching me how to jump. I just had my third lesson on Friday. I love it! It is fun, challenging, exciting... I was never really able to ride as a kid. And so it wasn't until college that this horse crazy girl got to start riding. Poor Josh never knew this side of me! When I graduated from college Josh bought me my first horse. And as much as I loved Sox, he was not a good fit for me. Our first wild ride (after he was my horse) ended with me in a pile on the ground and a cracked helmet. It has taken me years to get over the memory of being on a very fast runaway horse and the lack of memory of landing. But I still have this NEED to be around horses. The world just looks better from the back of a horse!

I sold Sox last year to a home that was a better fit for him. I actually rode less when I owned my own horse because I could never trust the poor guy. I am playing with the idea of buying another horse. I want to have the freedom to ride whenever I want. I love getting out on the trail and just going for miles. I feel like all of my worries and fears are left at the trailer and I get to just be me for a while. Horses are great therapy! When you ride you have to be the leader. It takes me out of the victim role that is so easy to fall into sometimes. When I am riding, I have control over my life. When I am riding, I am free. (If you have any doubts just look at the goofy grin on my face!)

My Purpose

I think the hardest thing for me has been struggling with what, I feel, is my purpose. What I feel I should be doing with my life right now. If you look at my 5th grade yearbook under my picture where it lists our aspirations, mine says "homemaker." I spent my whole life planning, preparing and anticipating, what I still feel to be, the most important thing that I will do with my life. I have gone through periods where I feel that my life has no purpose because my life hasn't gone as I have planned. So often I feel like I am just resentfully killing time, forced to wait for my "real" life to start.

I know that this is not the case. I am living a full life. I have the most wonderful husband ever. Let's face it, not everyone gets to be married to their best friend. I run a business that is a great thing for our community and am preparing a future for our family. I am in the best shape of my life and have started running 5ks in addition to weight training, yoga, and an occasional Zumba class. I finally started jumping lessons which has been a life-long dream for this horse-crazy girl. I have an incredible family, and supportive friends. I have been to amazing places like China, Puerto Rico, Alaska and Hawaii. I am a girl truly blessed.

I was talking to my mom about this, saying that I knew I had a good life, but I was just having a hard time not being able to do what I really want to be doing with my life. She responded by saying that she really didn't raise me to do anything else. The truth of that statement hit home and I have thought about it a lot. It's not that I have been "groomed" for something others wanted for me. I have never wanted anything else for myself. And living in Utah just drives it home even more. But I have to consider that fact that since mommy-hood is still up in the air with no delivery date that this is really where I need to be in my life, even if it's not exactly what I want.

I know that I am the daughter of a loving and mindful Father in Heaven. I know that He knows what is best for me. And if I am not a mommy yet, there must be some very good reasons for it. Maybe there are other purposes for a young married woman living in Utah. I have fought some of the roles I have been playing for so long, simply because they are not the ones I want most. But maybe they are enough for now. Running our business has been a struggle for me, but is made worse by my attitude and bitterness towards the fact that I am not living "my" life, or the life I had always planned and prepared myself to live.

Right now, my life that I am living is my purpose. And it's a good one. I am a wife. I am a yoga instructor. I am a personal trainer. I am a business owner. I am in the stake young women's presidency. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. I do have a purpose, lots in fact. And they are good. And for now, in this season of my life, it is enough.

I Am A Mother

While I was going through those early days of coping (aka depression) I got to serve in my ward's nursery. Some people thought this was cruel but it was actually a good place for me. I have my shy days when I have a hard time talking to people and when I am having a hard time in general, this anxiety gets much worse. So in nursery I was able to hide out and play with little ones (I'm really good with kids!). Well, I remember one day realizing that I was finally feeling a little more like myself and needed to stop hiding out so much. Two weeks later, I was given a new calling. I love how in-tune your Heavenly Father is with your needs! Young Women's Secretary here I come.

Well, if you know me you know I am not the notes/organization type. But I loved Young Women's when I was there and I still like to think it wasn't that long ago! It takes me a while to feel comfortable in a new environment but I settled in pretty fast with my girls. The other leaders were great and I loved working with our girls.

I was moved to Laurels Advisor (lets face it, "secretary" isn't my strength). I got to teach every other week and as I bore my testimony and they shared theirs with me I became stronger and closer to the spirit. I love my girls.

Well, In November of 2009 I was called to serve as the Secretary in the Stake Young Women's. Secretary again?!! Do you think God is trying to tell me something? I just got back this weekend from my 3rd girls camp with my girls. It was a little different going on a stake level but I felt blessed to be able to once again share the beautiful girl's camp experience with my beautiful girls (as several have graduated and are moving on very soon). This was my 9th girl's camp overall and I think it just keeps getting better!

Friday night I got to attend our ward's testimony meeting. You know how every Mother's Day everyone keeps telling you that you are already a mom and you are like, yeah whatever. Well, the Spirit finally got through my hard shell that night and I realized it was true. My beautiful girls that I have laughed and cried with and loved so very dearly have made me a Mother. There are no words that I can say to thank them for what that has meant to me. I wonder if they will ever know the impact they have made in me and my life. I am still excited and waiting impatiently for when I get to be a Mommy, but I have finally realized that I am already a Mother.

Best Mother's Day Gift Ever

My little sister knew I would be having a hard time on Mothers Day so she sent me an email. I don't think I can tell her how much it meant to me. I have the best family in the world!!! I live a life truly blessed.

Dear Mother,

We haven’t officially met. I am your child. I would like to tell you Happy Mother’s Day, because you are already a very awesome mom. I have been watching you, and I’m very excited to join your family. I have watched you and Daddy singing in the kitchen, and I am glad that I can sing with you someday. I have watched you play with my cousins, and I’m so happy that one day you will play with me too. I have watched as you have given advice to all of my aunts and uncles, with such love and compassion, and I know that you will help me through mortality. It looks a little hard but I know that you and Daddy will always be there for me. I have also seen you cry when you wished so badly that you could hold me. It just isn’t my time yet. Let me assure you that I feel so incredibly blessed because of how much you already love me. You are already the best earthly mom, ever! I am having a good time in Heaven, and I will see you soon. I love you, Mom.

From your Baby

How To Deal

Lately I have been getting a little discouraged and restless. I am only a month away from our 3-year anniversary of receiving our tests results back. I have come a long way since then in finding peace with the fact that I will never bear biological children. Honestly at this point, if I somehow miraculously conceived I would probably be terrified. But now, I am having a hard time with the fact that I am still not a mother. It didn't occur to me until recently that these are actually two very different emotions.

I have been getting discouraged with myself, thinking that I have not made any progress personally during the last three years because I am still having a hard time. This, however is not true. Yes, I broke down on Sunday and cried on Josh's shoulder getting mascara on his shirt, but it wasn't because I would never carry and give birth to a child. It was because I want to be a mother so badly and have no real control over when it will happen. It is a helpless and frustrating feeling and it sometimes overwhelms me. And that's okay. I told Josh that I wasn't strong enough for this roller coaster ride. He wisely told me that having a hard day and being sad doesn't mean that I am not strong enough. It's okay to have hard days and to be sad. It makes me human, it makes me a woman.

I have been promising myself for years that I would be a mother by the time I was 27. That birthday will be here in a couple weeks. It's gonna be a tough day. No more making promises to myself that I cannot keep. I guess I still haven't learned how to really put things in the Lord's hands. It's hard to put something like "motherhood" on the shelf and say "whenever it's right it will happen" and then go on and live my life. I go through many days feeling like I am waiting for my life to start. I have lived my whole life for that beautiful moment when I become a mother. The famous quote "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans" is very applicable here. Waiting for my life to start is not fair to me or to my husband. My life is already well on it's way and there are days when I completely miss it!

I have not found out how to handle this balance yet, but I know the answer lies in more faith in my Savior, more use of the atonement and more trips to the temple. One thing I know for sure is that the days that I read my scriptures and pray are always better days. Days where I feel like myself. Days where I feel blessed to have special moments one on one with my wonderful husband 'cause I know someday they will be harder to come by. Days where I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Faith

These are some notes taken from Gene R. Cook's talk/book "Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" and a few scriptures that have helped me think about my life and put things into perspective...

Principles that increase faith:
1) Pray for faith
2) Increase hope
3) Hear the word of God
4) Read the word of God
5) Act according to the present understanding
6) Sacrifice through trials and tribulations

Principles to exercise greater faith:
1) Believe
2) Commit and discipline yourself
3) Do your part
4) Pray as if all depended on the Lord
5) Prepare for constant and intense trials
6) Expect the Lord to respond

Ether 12:12
"For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them..."

Moroni 7:37
"...it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain."