My Purpose

I think the hardest thing for me has been struggling with what, I feel, is my purpose. What I feel I should be doing with my life right now. If you look at my 5th grade yearbook under my picture where it lists our aspirations, mine says "homemaker." I spent my whole life planning, preparing and anticipating, what I still feel to be, the most important thing that I will do with my life. I have gone through periods where I feel that my life has no purpose because my life hasn't gone as I have planned. So often I feel like I am just resentfully killing time, forced to wait for my "real" life to start.

I know that this is not the case. I am living a full life. I have the most wonderful husband ever. Let's face it, not everyone gets to be married to their best friend. I run a business that is a great thing for our community and am preparing a future for our family. I am in the best shape of my life and have started running 5ks in addition to weight training, yoga, and an occasional Zumba class. I finally started jumping lessons which has been a life-long dream for this horse-crazy girl. I have an incredible family, and supportive friends. I have been to amazing places like China, Puerto Rico, Alaska and Hawaii. I am a girl truly blessed.

I was talking to my mom about this, saying that I knew I had a good life, but I was just having a hard time not being able to do what I really want to be doing with my life. She responded by saying that she really didn't raise me to do anything else. The truth of that statement hit home and I have thought about it a lot. It's not that I have been "groomed" for something others wanted for me. I have never wanted anything else for myself. And living in Utah just drives it home even more. But I have to consider that fact that since mommy-hood is still up in the air with no delivery date that this is really where I need to be in my life, even if it's not exactly what I want.

I know that I am the daughter of a loving and mindful Father in Heaven. I know that He knows what is best for me. And if I am not a mommy yet, there must be some very good reasons for it. Maybe there are other purposes for a young married woman living in Utah. I have fought some of the roles I have been playing for so long, simply because they are not the ones I want most. But maybe they are enough for now. Running our business has been a struggle for me, but is made worse by my attitude and bitterness towards the fact that I am not living "my" life, or the life I had always planned and prepared myself to live.

Right now, my life that I am living is my purpose. And it's a good one. I am a wife. I am a yoga instructor. I am a personal trainer. I am a business owner. I am in the stake young women's presidency. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. I do have a purpose, lots in fact. And they are good. And for now, in this season of my life, it is enough.