God's Mysterious Ways

So....this week.....
We received a call on Monday from our case worker Margaret (Josh had left for Canada just hours before). She asked me if we remembered the birth mother we had met a few months ago. My response: Um, yes. Well, the other family that she chose decided that this was not their baby and the birth mother wants us after all.
Hold the phone! What! Oh my goodness!

We have been having some insurance struggles due to Josh's employment change. So this has made this adoption seem a little impossible at times. But we are getting things worked out. I met with the birth mom, her mom and her sister yesterday and we talked for two hours. Things went so well. This is going to happen. AHHH!!!

Josh will be home next week. Our estimated due date is the 24th of this month. My mind is spinning. We were sent ultrasound pics last night and I was on the phone with Josh when he was showing friends saying "Want to see my son?" *chills*

I will get more details from our story up later.

In the mean time, please pray for us, our baby and our BEAUTIFUL birthmother.

Lessons

(pic of Josh and me at Bryce in 2010)

It's taken me a while to feel like I was ready to write this one down. But it is an important part of our journey so...
On a Monday morning in November I got a call from my caseworker. She had a birthmother who wanted to meet us. She would be having a baby boy at the end February. We had three tortuous days to wait until meeting her Wednesday evening. We were the second couple she would be meeting that evening. Evidently after going through probably hundreds of profiles she had decided to choose between us two couples.
During those three awful days I prayed that no matter what the outcome, that I would know whether or not this was our baby. I know that we are waiting for our baby and the right birth mother. I did not want to have to wait for weeks or months wondering if this was it.
We met with Margaret (our caseworker) for 10 minutes getting a little more information about this birth mother and the situation. I think this was also to prevent any awkward meetings of the other couple in the lobby. When the other couple left it was our turn to meet the birth mother. We met in a nice room where we gave her flowers and home made chocolate chip cookies. Both our case workers were there, along with the birth mother's parents and her older sister. It was clear that despite the unimaginable feelings her parents were going through, they were kind and supportive. They were a good family. And we liked the birth mom too.
Our meeting went really well. We had been warned that things were usually awkward, but this wasn't. That was thanks to Josh, as he was calm and comfortable and started making everyone comfortable from the beginning. Everything went really well. And it was clear after the meeting that this would have been a perfect situation.
But before we had even left the lobby, I received my answer. This was not our baby. When Josh asked me what I thought after we got in the car I told him what I had felt. I immediately felt guilty for it. Josh clearly had his hopes up.
We went to Ruby River for dinner. Josh tried to stay positive and I tried to come to terms with my feelings.
By the time we got home, I felt like I was doing a pretty good job accepting the fact that this was not our baby. But when I woke up at 5am the next morning, I was a wreck. I had to cancel my personal training appointment at 5:30 and barely made it through yoga at 8am.
Over the next few weeks a lot of people told me that I was just guarding my feelings, but deep down I knew I had received the answer I had prayed for, even though it wasn't the one I wanted. Along with the grief came a feeling of assurance that eventually we would find our baby. I also received peace, knowing that I had received the answer I had prayed for.
By the time Margaret called us a month later with the birth mother's decision I had been able to come to terms with the decision (as much as possible, anyway). As Margaret tried to make me feel better for the outcome of everything, I tried to comfort her and let her know that I had already received my answer weeks before.
Sometimes I think I know why things are the way they are, and other times it is very clear to me that I still have a lot to learn. I am learning how to have faith and to receive answers to prayers. I am grateful for those answers and the knowledge that my Father in Heaven knows who I am. He is aware of me and is with me as long as I continue to reach out to Him. I am grateful for my amazing husband who can always make me laugh (or at least smile) when I need it most. I am grateful to an amazing case worker who really cares about us and our family. I am grateful to supportive family and friends that I can call and talk/cry to.
I know that even though this particular situation was not meant to be, that our baby is still waiting to join our family. When it is right, I know that everything will fall into place. Josh and I both feel that it is coming closer, but that is such a relative term! If you could, please say a little prayer for us that we will continue to have the faith and patience we will need to find our little one.

Another Year Coming to an End

Josh and I are having our 7th anniversary next week. We realized a few weeks ago that we have been married long enough to not be able to remember it all! We were driving in the car and I was like "remember when...." and Josh couldn't. So weird. And weirder still, when we were driving to Cali for Thanksgiving we put the radio station on classic rock (not many choices in Nevada) and one of Josh's songs came on! We are getting old! Josh is 32 and I am 27. I do not think that I will handle the #30 too well. I am starting to see the possibility of me actually reaching 30 and still being childless. Of course Josh thinks I am being dramatic, but we started the adoption road when I was 24. Yearly "markers" are always hard for me because they are just a reminder that it's been another year and there really hasn't been a change in any of our circumstances. We are still childless, in debt and I am still working full time at the gym for no paycheck. *sigh*


This is a pic of some friends at adoption training somewhere around February of 2008. The couple on the left have an adorable little girl that had her first birthday this last summer and the couple on the right have a little one that is around two years old now. And over a year ago they put their papers back in to try again.


And this is us this last summer at the demolition derby in Nephi with our friends with the little one year old girl. It's hard sometimes to see people that you were once level with so many years ahead of where you are. I know that life is not a race and I tell clients all the time that there are no destinations in life because in so many ways those destinations you strive for are over before they start and then you are moving onto the next one. But life does have chapters. Sometimes I feel like I have read the same chapter over and over again. And for whatever reason, it is just not time to read the next chapter. Now as Josh and I are going into the 4th year of this particular chapter I find myself once again discouraged.

Yes I can do hard things. I continue to prove that. And I know that the beauty in my future will fade away the pain of today. I have learned so many precious things over these last few years and I see the wisdom in them. Is it wrong to say that I am sick to death of learning this same lesson over and over and want a new lesson? The problem with that is whenever I tend to think that, God gives me a totally different lesson from left field instead of the "lesson" I had in mind.

And as this year comes to an end I also must focus on all of the beauty this last year held for us. Josh and I are stronger than ever. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. I do have a beautiful leather sofa and a headboard! Our gym, though we are not grossing much more than last year, is much busier than ever before with great attendance and feedback. We are launching new programs and are trying new things and continue to see that as our future. I am still married to a man that I can ask for a blessing whenever I feel I need one (like yesterday). He is my greatest strength and my greatest blessing in my life and I continue to be amazed by how much more I can love him with every passing year. Our families are still supportive and awesome. I am doing way better with my personal scripture study and have seen the difference in my perspective.

We actually met with a birth mom this year. After being viewed over 1,000 times on the LDS Family website someone FINALLY wanted to meet us. And even though we still don't know when or from where our baby will come, we know it will happen when it is right. Josh and I both feel like this next year is a year of possibilities and change. But what possibilities and what change? So far most of the change has been within us. But maybe that's really the change that makes the most difference anyway. When Josh gave me a blessing the other night it was a blessing of hope and faith. Hope for the future and faith that our lives are in God's hands and He is mindful of me.

Well my personal prayer continues to be: "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and Wisdom to know the difference.

Dig Deeper!

Josh and I spent this last weekend at a training module getting trained and certified to teach a Les Mills BodyPump class. BodyPump is a barbell cardio strength class. I went into this weekend expecting to get my butt kicked and expecting to learn how to be a better teacher. What I did not expect was how much I would learn about myself. Training was 3 nine hour days complete with homework every night.

My good friend Tricia, who will be one of my instructors, summed it up best when she said that she learned she wasn't as strong as she thought she was but that she learned that she is stronger than she ever knew she was. In three days we were pushed very hard physically. It was intense! Between five full BodyPump classes, the BodyPump Challenge and technique drills we were challenged and pushed further than most of us knew was even possible.

The turning point for me was the BodyPump Challenge. We had already done a full 60 minute BodyPump class that morning along with technique drills (not to mention everything we had done the day before). Eduardo (our INCREDIBLE trainer) set up stations and put us into groups so we could spot each other during each phase of the challenge. With each exercise (squats, clean and press, bench press etc) we put at least twice the weight we normally would on our bars and discovered what we were made of! After finishing what we thought was the challenge we congratulated each other and felt pretty good that we had "made it." Then Eduardo told us that we were going to do everything all over AGAIN!

My first thought was "Yeah right." I had already given, what I thought was, my all. I had nothing left. I was done. But with Eduardo's encouragement, we loaded up the weights again and pushed through the entire challenge again. By the end I was calling to my spotter "help, help!" in order to get that weight over my head to finish the challenge. But I did it. I dug deep and discovered a part of me that I was always terrified to tap into. Maybe I was scared that it just wasn't there at all. But it was. I am stronger than I ever knew.

How often do we go through our lives determined to NOT reach our potential? How many of us have dug deep enough to truly know what we are capable of? How many times has God asked something of us and we are like "Yeah right! I have already given you my all. I have nothing left." But still He asks and we are forced to dig deep and discover who we really are. I think during that BodyPump Challenge when Eduardo was putting yet more weight on my bar for me to do squats I told him that I hated him. I have never told God that I hated him, thankfully, but I have resented what he has and continues to ask of me.

But God, like any good trainer, knows that change does not happen in our comfort zones. And heaven knows I LOVE my comfort zones. Real change happens when we are at our limits. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is one of those truths that simply is. God needs us to see ourselves the way He see us. He needs us to know who we really are when we dig down deep and surprise even ourselves.

I just might be learning how to believe in myself. It feels pretty good!

Rainy Days and Sundays Get Me Down

I was looking at puppies again on ksl again today. I don't need a puppy. I already have two dogs and the most recent one was "acquired" the day after my older sister had her last baby. I don't even really want a puppy. I want a baby. But I have no control over that. I have been doing so well lately. I mean really! I have been learning to live and love my life as it is.

But it is frustrating always wanting things that "you just can't have yet." We have been trying to get a loan to refinance our business and put us in a position to finally start paying me for all the work I have been doing at the gym for the last 3 years. We were very excited about the possibilities of finally getting two paychecks again, thinking about the debts we could get rid of and the few splurges we have wanted for so long (landscaping, my own horse...). But evidently, banks will not really loan on anything except real estate even if you have been in business for three years so...

I had to cancel my agreement to buy the fabulous horse I found. The idea of getting a horse of my own was giving me something to be excited about, to look forward to. To make me feel like I have some control in my life and have the power to get some things I really want. Its frustrating. Disheartening. Motivation killing.

I know that eventually I will have all of these fabulous things I have dreamed about my whole life. I will get to hold a sweet sleeping baby and know that they are mine. I will get to watch my wonderful hubby play tickle monster with our children. We will get to be Santa Clause and watch their faces when our children see their stockings in the morning. I might actually have SOMETHING in common with other women my age. Eventually I will have a family, a horse, a savings account and landscaping. Eventually. Why is it so hard to wait for things that you know you will have someday?

And then I read my past blogs. It's a good reminder to me to keep a better perspective. Sad days come, and the fact that it's been a while since I have felt this way is a really good sign. I liked a posting on "therhouse.blogspot.com" titled "What my Grandma's death taught be about infertility" that said that sad days weren't necessarily bad days. It talks about how these pains that rise up every now and again bring us back to the miracles.

Well, miracle number one for me is definitely that I found my soul-mate in Josh. Josh is a miracle just by himself. He fought leukemia starting when he was 9 years old until he was 14. According to all the specialists he shouldn't be alive. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love him more than I ever knew was possible. He is funny, and random, strong, and kind and will get up in the middle of the night to get me a drink of water. I honestly had no clue that I could find someone that would fit me so perfectly and I treasure his love for me every day.

Other miracles that have happened to me since starting this journey are less tangible, but are just as real to me. I remember one day when we were working on getting approved through LDS Family I was really having a hard time. I had a lot of those days back then and had come to the point where I just couldn't go any further on my own. At that exact moment there was a rush of energy and love that flowed into me with the words "This is because people are praying for you." I felt stronger, and somehow less broken then I had before. This is something I go back to and hold onto often.

That is just one of the many times that God has let me know that He knows who I am, that He is aware of what I am going through and that He loves me. I also have had many experiences that strengthen my resolve that I was never meant to have biological children in this life. And when I am still and honest with myself I can totally see how I would even choose this path for myself. I have learned so many precious truths about myself, my husband, the Atonement and my God through this journey that I could NOT have learned any other way. God knows what we need to experience to be who He needs us to be.

I know all of this to be true. But still there are those days that "eventually" seems so far away. And that's okay because today I can cuddle with my sweet hubby, eat ice cream and watch the latest episode of "White Collar." And maybe tomorrow I will feel the sun come out again.

Fertile vs. Infertile

I was looking at ldsinfertility.org and a bubble on the sign-up questionnaire stopped me in my tracks.
Fertile or Infertile?
I know this may sound a little funny but, technically, I could have biological children. "I" can, but together my husband and I cannot. Our infertility set back lies with my husband. That afternoon when Josh called me to tell me the test results was, in my mind, the day I became infertile.

Now the years of trying to get pregnant leading up to this were definitely made worse by my mortal fear of having to face this possibility. I had always incorrectly thought that was my worst fear. I didn't always (or ever) handle those monthly "gifts" very well. And because I was so traumatized by each one for years they were accompanied with debilitating pain.
That night as we lied in bed and I was in the process of crying myself to sleep, Josh asked me if I wanted to pursue sperm donors as a way to bring children into our family. "No" I replied. If I couldn't have my husband's children then what was the point?

My entire life I had grown up with the beautiful fantasy of creating life with my husband. To me it was the ultimate finale to a perfect love story. Here you have two people who love each other more than life itself. After promising each other their eternities before God they come together in that love and create a new life that is a portion of each of them. That was the dream that I wanted and a sperm donor could not give that to me. When I declined Josh's suggestion he seemed so relieved. That self-less gift Josh was willing to give me that night will always stay with me. It was clear by his relief that was not a road he wanted to go down, but he would have done it in a heart beat if he thought it was what I wanted or needed.

When we went home to his parents house for Thanksgiving I couldn't peel my eyes off the family pictures on the wall. I wanted a "little Josh" and now I knew I would never have one. I would be playing the piano and then realize that I had stopped because I was looking at my hands, knowing that even though I had my mom's hands, no one would ever have mine. Knowing that everything physical ended with Josh and me. The finality in that knowledge left me disconnected and hopeless for a long time. The sadness was suffocating.

There really wasn't any discussion as to whether or not we would adopt. I think all along we always knew that was meant to be a part of our life's journey. Using a sperm donor is still suggested on occasion by well-meaning friends and family. But, although this path is right for some families and I mean no disrespect, it will never be right for Josh and I. I guess as far as I see it, bringing a life into a family should not be a selfish act and ME using a sperm donor to get ME pregnant would be all about ME. One of the things that brings me so much peace about adoption is that Josh and I can walk that road hand in hand on the same level. We are a team. We are equal. And I LOVE that.

I will never have much of anything to add to the re-occurring conversations about pregnancy, delivery and nursing. I will never know what it is like to feel life growing inside of me. I will never get to hear my parents excitedly say "oh, he has my eyes!" or "he gets that from your mom's side of the family." I will always have to listen to people telling me how lucky I am that I will always have this great body and never have to worry about stretch marks (just FYI this really doesn't help at all). I will never be able to have my husband's babies.

So am I fertile or infertile? Well, as far as I see it, it is not about me. Because the day I married Josh in the Mt. Timpanogous Temple for time and eternity my life from then on was tied to his. It was all that I wanted and is still the desire of my heart. Josh is my other half, my true love and my best friend. We are linked and I would lose myself without him because he is the only one that truly "sees" me. I never knew that anyone could love me as much as Josh loves me.

Personally, I see myself as infertile because I cannot see myself without my Josh. We are a matched set. Infertility is a part of me because Josh is a part of me. It has helped to make me who I am and continues to mold me. But I am starting to realize that the questions and titles apply less and less. What am I really? Truly blessed.

Prepare To Be Surprised

As I have previously mentioned, I really never wanted a career. I wanted to be waddling across the stage to get my diploma! But as I am finally starting to make some peace with my life I am realizing that what I have fallen into is a pretty good fit for me. It is just further proof to me that God knows who we are and who we need to become. And as good parents do, He sometimes gives us what we need instead of what we want.

When Josh and I bought the local gym in our rural town it was for Josh. He has a bachelors degree in Exercise Science and wanted to be the entrepreneur. We were under the impression it was already running itself and we could do it on the side. We quickly found out that was true and I soon had to quit my job as a kitchen designer to run our new, downward spiraling business.

It has taken me three years to feel like I finally have a handle on our business. The timing of trying out our hands at business didn't help (we really felt the economy crunch in 2009). But there were many other things that I had to overcome. The biggest probably being that I was simply depressed. We bought the gym less then a month after getting our test results back and I was not in a good place.

But once again this shows me how much God is in the details. Because as depressed as I was, I could have gotten much worse if I had had more time to dwell on it. Don't get me wrong, I dwelled on it plenty, but that first year I was working about 60 hours per week and I think that helped to pull me through my focus on my own sorrow.

It also didn't help that I had never been a member of a gym before, and then here I was owning and managing one. I also have anxiety when I am repeatedly stretched out of my comfort zone, which with the business was EVERY day. Although I still have anxiety and am still challenged at running this business I have come a VERY long way personally, spiritually and professionally. I am now a certified personal trainer and yoga instructor. I am moving away from the victim mind set and stepping back in control of my life and am even helping others to do so with personal training. I am a better person because of the things that I have learned.

So here I am: a business woman with a full-time career. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be here! Now as I get to a place in my life where I am no longer surviving, but thriving, I feel this will carry over into my business helping us to no longer settle for "survival" when we know we can thrive. I really am excited about our future and am learning how to trust the Lord. He really does know what He is doing. I promise.

And I am pretty sure that as soon as I get too comfortable that situations will change because I am starting to learn we didn't come here to be comfortable (unfortunately). In what direction will my life go next? I know better then to guess anymore. I love the movie "Dan In Real Life." The last line in this movie sums things up pretty good, "Prepare To Be Surprised."