(pic of Josh and me at Bryce in 2010)
It's taken me a while to feel like I was ready to write this one down. But it is an important part of our journey so...
On a Monday morning in November I got a call from my caseworker. She had a birthmother who wanted to meet us. She would be having a baby boy at the end February. We had three tortuous days to wait until meeting her Wednesday evening. We were the second couple she would be meeting that evening. Evidently after going through probably hundreds of profiles she had decided to choose between us two couples.
During those three awful days I prayed that no matter what the outcome, that I would know whether or not this was our baby. I know that we are waiting for our baby and the right birth mother. I did not want to have to wait for weeks or months wondering if this was it.
We met with Margaret (our caseworker) for 10 minutes getting a little more information about this birth mother and the situation. I think this was also to prevent any awkward meetings of the other couple in the lobby. When the other couple left it was our turn to meet the birth mother. We met in a nice room where we gave her flowers and home made chocolate chip cookies. Both our case workers were there, along with the birth mother's parents and her older sister. It was clear that despite the unimaginable feelings her parents were going through, they were kind and supportive. They were a good family. And we liked the birth mom too.
Our meeting went really well. We had been warned that things were usually awkward, but this wasn't. That was thanks to Josh, as he was calm and comfortable and started making everyone comfortable from the beginning. Everything went really well. And it was clear after the meeting that this would have been a perfect situation.
But before we had even left the lobby, I received my answer. This was not our baby. When Josh asked me what I thought after we got in the car I told him what I had felt. I immediately felt guilty for it. Josh clearly had his hopes up.
We went to Ruby River for dinner. Josh tried to stay positive and I tried to come to terms with my feelings.
By the time we got home, I felt like I was doing a pretty good job accepting the fact that this was not our baby. But when I woke up at 5am the next morning, I was a wreck. I had to cancel my personal training appointment at 5:30 and barely made it through yoga at 8am.
Over the next few weeks a lot of people told me that I was just guarding my feelings, but deep down I knew I had received the answer I had prayed for, even though it wasn't the one I wanted. Along with the grief came a feeling of assurance that eventually we would find our baby. I also received peace, knowing that I had received the answer I had prayed for.
By the time Margaret called us a month later with the birth mother's decision I had been able to come to terms with the decision (as much as possible, anyway). As Margaret tried to make me feel better for the outcome of everything, I tried to comfort her and let her know that I had already received my answer weeks before.
Sometimes I think I know why things are the way they are, and other times it is very clear to me that I still have a lot to learn. I am learning how to have faith and to receive answers to prayers. I am grateful for those answers and the knowledge that my Father in Heaven knows who I am. He is aware of me and is with me as long as I continue to reach out to Him. I am grateful for my amazing husband who can always make me laugh (or at least smile) when I need it most. I am grateful to an amazing case worker who really cares about us and our family. I am grateful to supportive family and friends that I can call and talk/cry to.
I know that even though this particular situation was not meant to be, that our baby is still waiting to join our family. When it is right, I know that everything will fall into place. Josh and I both feel that it is coming closer, but that is such a relative term! If you could, please say a little prayer for us that we will continue to have the faith and patience we will need to find our little one.
