Fertile vs. Infertile

I was looking at ldsinfertility.org and a bubble on the sign-up questionnaire stopped me in my tracks.
Fertile or Infertile?
I know this may sound a little funny but, technically, I could have biological children. "I" can, but together my husband and I cannot. Our infertility set back lies with my husband. That afternoon when Josh called me to tell me the test results was, in my mind, the day I became infertile.

Now the years of trying to get pregnant leading up to this were definitely made worse by my mortal fear of having to face this possibility. I had always incorrectly thought that was my worst fear. I didn't always (or ever) handle those monthly "gifts" very well. And because I was so traumatized by each one for years they were accompanied with debilitating pain.
That night as we lied in bed and I was in the process of crying myself to sleep, Josh asked me if I wanted to pursue sperm donors as a way to bring children into our family. "No" I replied. If I couldn't have my husband's children then what was the point?

My entire life I had grown up with the beautiful fantasy of creating life with my husband. To me it was the ultimate finale to a perfect love story. Here you have two people who love each other more than life itself. After promising each other their eternities before God they come together in that love and create a new life that is a portion of each of them. That was the dream that I wanted and a sperm donor could not give that to me. When I declined Josh's suggestion he seemed so relieved. That self-less gift Josh was willing to give me that night will always stay with me. It was clear by his relief that was not a road he wanted to go down, but he would have done it in a heart beat if he thought it was what I wanted or needed.

When we went home to his parents house for Thanksgiving I couldn't peel my eyes off the family pictures on the wall. I wanted a "little Josh" and now I knew I would never have one. I would be playing the piano and then realize that I had stopped because I was looking at my hands, knowing that even though I had my mom's hands, no one would ever have mine. Knowing that everything physical ended with Josh and me. The finality in that knowledge left me disconnected and hopeless for a long time. The sadness was suffocating.

There really wasn't any discussion as to whether or not we would adopt. I think all along we always knew that was meant to be a part of our life's journey. Using a sperm donor is still suggested on occasion by well-meaning friends and family. But, although this path is right for some families and I mean no disrespect, it will never be right for Josh and I. I guess as far as I see it, bringing a life into a family should not be a selfish act and ME using a sperm donor to get ME pregnant would be all about ME. One of the things that brings me so much peace about adoption is that Josh and I can walk that road hand in hand on the same level. We are a team. We are equal. And I LOVE that.

I will never have much of anything to add to the re-occurring conversations about pregnancy, delivery and nursing. I will never know what it is like to feel life growing inside of me. I will never get to hear my parents excitedly say "oh, he has my eyes!" or "he gets that from your mom's side of the family." I will always have to listen to people telling me how lucky I am that I will always have this great body and never have to worry about stretch marks (just FYI this really doesn't help at all). I will never be able to have my husband's babies.

So am I fertile or infertile? Well, as far as I see it, it is not about me. Because the day I married Josh in the Mt. Timpanogous Temple for time and eternity my life from then on was tied to his. It was all that I wanted and is still the desire of my heart. Josh is my other half, my true love and my best friend. We are linked and I would lose myself without him because he is the only one that truly "sees" me. I never knew that anyone could love me as much as Josh loves me.

Personally, I see myself as infertile because I cannot see myself without my Josh. We are a matched set. Infertility is a part of me because Josh is a part of me. It has helped to make me who I am and continues to mold me. But I am starting to realize that the questions and titles apply less and less. What am I really? Truly blessed.

Prepare To Be Surprised

As I have previously mentioned, I really never wanted a career. I wanted to be waddling across the stage to get my diploma! But as I am finally starting to make some peace with my life I am realizing that what I have fallen into is a pretty good fit for me. It is just further proof to me that God knows who we are and who we need to become. And as good parents do, He sometimes gives us what we need instead of what we want.

When Josh and I bought the local gym in our rural town it was for Josh. He has a bachelors degree in Exercise Science and wanted to be the entrepreneur. We were under the impression it was already running itself and we could do it on the side. We quickly found out that was true and I soon had to quit my job as a kitchen designer to run our new, downward spiraling business.

It has taken me three years to feel like I finally have a handle on our business. The timing of trying out our hands at business didn't help (we really felt the economy crunch in 2009). But there were many other things that I had to overcome. The biggest probably being that I was simply depressed. We bought the gym less then a month after getting our test results back and I was not in a good place.

But once again this shows me how much God is in the details. Because as depressed as I was, I could have gotten much worse if I had had more time to dwell on it. Don't get me wrong, I dwelled on it plenty, but that first year I was working about 60 hours per week and I think that helped to pull me through my focus on my own sorrow.

It also didn't help that I had never been a member of a gym before, and then here I was owning and managing one. I also have anxiety when I am repeatedly stretched out of my comfort zone, which with the business was EVERY day. Although I still have anxiety and am still challenged at running this business I have come a VERY long way personally, spiritually and professionally. I am now a certified personal trainer and yoga instructor. I am moving away from the victim mind set and stepping back in control of my life and am even helping others to do so with personal training. I am a better person because of the things that I have learned.

So here I am: a business woman with a full-time career. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be here! Now as I get to a place in my life where I am no longer surviving, but thriving, I feel this will carry over into my business helping us to no longer settle for "survival" when we know we can thrive. I really am excited about our future and am learning how to trust the Lord. He really does know what He is doing. I promise.

And I am pretty sure that as soon as I get too comfortable that situations will change because I am starting to learn we didn't come here to be comfortable (unfortunately). In what direction will my life go next? I know better then to guess anymore. I love the movie "Dan In Real Life." The last line in this movie sums things up pretty good, "Prepare To Be Surprised."

In Pursuit of Other Dreams

As I have previously mentioned, I have done a lot of "waiting for my life to start." I thought that by pursuing other dreams I would realize that my heart really is still beating and that I do have the control to make some of my other dreams come true. This is Precious. She is a morgan/draft mix and she is teaching me how to jump. I just had my third lesson on Friday. I love it! It is fun, challenging, exciting... I was never really able to ride as a kid. And so it wasn't until college that this horse crazy girl got to start riding. Poor Josh never knew this side of me! When I graduated from college Josh bought me my first horse. And as much as I loved Sox, he was not a good fit for me. Our first wild ride (after he was my horse) ended with me in a pile on the ground and a cracked helmet. It has taken me years to get over the memory of being on a very fast runaway horse and the lack of memory of landing. But I still have this NEED to be around horses. The world just looks better from the back of a horse!

I sold Sox last year to a home that was a better fit for him. I actually rode less when I owned my own horse because I could never trust the poor guy. I am playing with the idea of buying another horse. I want to have the freedom to ride whenever I want. I love getting out on the trail and just going for miles. I feel like all of my worries and fears are left at the trailer and I get to just be me for a while. Horses are great therapy! When you ride you have to be the leader. It takes me out of the victim role that is so easy to fall into sometimes. When I am riding, I have control over my life. When I am riding, I am free. (If you have any doubts just look at the goofy grin on my face!)

My Purpose

I think the hardest thing for me has been struggling with what, I feel, is my purpose. What I feel I should be doing with my life right now. If you look at my 5th grade yearbook under my picture where it lists our aspirations, mine says "homemaker." I spent my whole life planning, preparing and anticipating, what I still feel to be, the most important thing that I will do with my life. I have gone through periods where I feel that my life has no purpose because my life hasn't gone as I have planned. So often I feel like I am just resentfully killing time, forced to wait for my "real" life to start.

I know that this is not the case. I am living a full life. I have the most wonderful husband ever. Let's face it, not everyone gets to be married to their best friend. I run a business that is a great thing for our community and am preparing a future for our family. I am in the best shape of my life and have started running 5ks in addition to weight training, yoga, and an occasional Zumba class. I finally started jumping lessons which has been a life-long dream for this horse-crazy girl. I have an incredible family, and supportive friends. I have been to amazing places like China, Puerto Rico, Alaska and Hawaii. I am a girl truly blessed.

I was talking to my mom about this, saying that I knew I had a good life, but I was just having a hard time not being able to do what I really want to be doing with my life. She responded by saying that she really didn't raise me to do anything else. The truth of that statement hit home and I have thought about it a lot. It's not that I have been "groomed" for something others wanted for me. I have never wanted anything else for myself. And living in Utah just drives it home even more. But I have to consider that fact that since mommy-hood is still up in the air with no delivery date that this is really where I need to be in my life, even if it's not exactly what I want.

I know that I am the daughter of a loving and mindful Father in Heaven. I know that He knows what is best for me. And if I am not a mommy yet, there must be some very good reasons for it. Maybe there are other purposes for a young married woman living in Utah. I have fought some of the roles I have been playing for so long, simply because they are not the ones I want most. But maybe they are enough for now. Running our business has been a struggle for me, but is made worse by my attitude and bitterness towards the fact that I am not living "my" life, or the life I had always planned and prepared myself to live.

Right now, my life that I am living is my purpose. And it's a good one. I am a wife. I am a yoga instructor. I am a personal trainer. I am a business owner. I am in the stake young women's presidency. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. I do have a purpose, lots in fact. And they are good. And for now, in this season of my life, it is enough.