I was looking at puppies again on ksl again today. I don't need a puppy. I already have two dogs and the most recent one was "acquired" the day after my older sister had her last baby. I don't even really want a puppy. I want a baby. But I have no control over that. I have been doing so well lately. I mean really! I have been learning to live and love my life as it is.
But it is frustrating always wanting things that "you just can't have yet." We have been trying to get a loan to refinance our business and put us in a position to finally start paying me for all the work I have been doing at the gym for the last 3 years. We were very excited about the possibilities of finally getting two paychecks again, thinking about the debts we could get rid of and the few splurges we have wanted for so long (landscaping, my own horse...). But evidently, banks will not really loan on anything except real estate even if you have been in business for three years so...
I had to cancel my agreement to buy the fabulous horse I found. The idea of getting a horse of my own was giving me something to be excited about, to look forward to. To make me feel like I have some control in my life and have the power to get some things I really want. Its frustrating. Disheartening. Motivation killing.
I know that eventually I will have all of these fabulous things I have dreamed about my whole life. I will get to hold a sweet sleeping baby and know that they are mine. I will get to watch my wonderful hubby play tickle monster with our children. We will get to be Santa Clause and watch their faces when our children see their stockings in the morning. I might actually have SOMETHING in common with other women my age. Eventually I will have a family, a horse, a savings account and landscaping. Eventually. Why is it so hard to wait for things that you know you will have someday?
And then I read my past blogs. It's a good reminder to me to keep a better perspective. Sad days come, and the fact that it's been a while since I have felt this way is a really good sign. I liked a posting on "therhouse.blogspot.com" titled "What my Grandma's death taught be about infertility" that said that sad days weren't necessarily bad days. It talks about how these pains that rise up every now and again bring us back to the miracles.
Well, miracle number one for me is definitely that I found my soul-mate in Josh. Josh is a miracle just by himself. He fought leukemia starting when he was 9 years old until he was 14. According to all the specialists he shouldn't be alive. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love him more than I ever knew was possible. He is funny, and random, strong, and kind and will get up in the middle of the night to get me a drink of water. I honestly had no clue that I could find someone that would fit me so perfectly and I treasure his love for me every day.
Other miracles that have happened to me since starting this journey are less tangible, but are just as real to me. I remember one day when we were working on getting approved through LDS Family I was really having a hard time. I had a lot of those days back then and had come to the point where I just couldn't go any further on my own. At that exact moment there was a rush of energy and love that flowed into me with the words "This is because people are praying for you." I felt stronger, and somehow less broken then I had before. This is something I go back to and hold onto often.
That is just one of the many times that God has let me know that He knows who I am, that He is aware of what I am going through and that He loves me. I also have had many experiences that strengthen my resolve that I was never meant to have biological children in this life. And when I am still and honest with myself I can totally see how I would even choose this path for myself. I have learned so many precious truths about myself, my husband, the Atonement and my God through this journey that I could NOT have learned any other way. God knows what we need to experience to be who He needs us to be.
I know all of this to be true. But still there are those days that "eventually" seems so far away. And that's okay because today I can cuddle with my sweet hubby, eat ice cream and watch the latest episode of "White Collar." And maybe tomorrow I will feel the sun come out again.
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